The Microsoft Minor

[OWmoo]

According to my local Microsoft garage they can no longer carry out a service on my Minor XP model. Apparently, every time it came up for a service they had to make a new set of service tools. Now they’re refusing to make them anymore. I can carry on driving the old girl but she might conk out suddenly or do what my previous Microsoft Minors have done – just get slower and slower until it’s like driving with the handbrake on.

The water that comes out of the tap is about 3 billion years old but you can still drink it – but not so my latest Minor. At 8 years old it’s about had it. The guys at work who look after the companies 52 seater Microsoft bus laughed at the thought of someone driving a vehicle that old. They took pity on me and offered a fairly new model 7 version but as all Microsoft Minor drivers know; when you get a new model, you need new roads. Oh yes, the funny thing about Microsoft vehicles with many seats, everyone has to have the same sized bum.

Oh what a journey it’s been. I can hark back to my first MM, a proper old sidevalve model 3.1 which was a great thrill when I got behind the wheel for the first time, a bit quaint perhaps as it could only plod along farm tracks close to home but it was great for compiling shopping lists and writing letters but, hey, it was fairly reliable. I eventually wanted something with a bit more power under to bonnet so I go hold of an 803 OHV ’95 model. This meant I could travel to many other towns an cities at lightening speed along dual carriageways without too much trouble although it did have some strange instances of the windscreen going a sudden shade of ‘clipper blue’ so you couldn’t see a thing. I traded that in for a 948 ’98 version which was little better. Now I could get onto a motorway network and go to anywhere although if I wanted to make a trip to say, Bristol I found that Bristol was now called Inverness and had been relocated in Norfolk. I sometimes still had the old problem of the windscreen becoming ‘clipper blue’ but most frightening of all was the tendency of my ’98 Microsoft Minor to suddenly seize up when I had my foot to the floor in the outside lane but it was OK, everyone driving one of these models had the same problem. I discovered one way to re-start was; with your left hand’ place your little finger on the washer button, put your thumb on the choke and hold down the horn button with your right-hand index finger.

Well I took delivery of my 1098 XP version and got out onto 16 lane inter-continental motorway in no time discovering new cities at the speed of light but there were some things you had to do just like the older Minors. For instance when going on a journey you soon got into the habit of making a record of where you’d been especially if you thought some traffic lights were ahead. Failure to do meant having to go back to the start of your journey if something did go wrong or at least go back to the last set of traffic lights where you made the last page of notes. By the way, Inverness had now disappeared; in its place was Morpeth, somewhere near Gloucester I think. Good old Microsoft had great ways of keeping you alert. Bill-boards sprung up in the road right in front of you. “Instant cash!” said one. ‘Cheap flights’ said another and then there was ‘Erectile dysfunction?’ which disappeared in a flash (sorry). If you also saw a Microsoft road-works or someone painting new white lines it was time to get a quick service or think about trading in for a new model.

Security was also a worry. The XP was kept in a garage with brick fire wall around it in case some low-life decided to write down its chassis number, mileage, and steal the registration number. They tell me these same unsporting fellows could find out about your fuel consumption, how much you paid for petrol, oil, accessories and new tyres. The same could also be said if you joined one of the many Microsoft Minor clubs to make friends and shared stories, anecdotes, hints and tips along the motorway. There were always one or two people who could write the most beastly things about you anonymously.

Just like my previous Microsoft Minors, the XP has been getting slower and slower to the point where it’s like driving up-hill all the time. I took someone’s advice to empty the boot and this did make a difference for a while. I threw out piles of family photo albums, music cassettes, old cine films, holiday brochures, mail order catalogues, letters, bills, oh I also found a big bundle of ‘lads mags’ but I don’t know how they got there.

It would be nice to hear about other peoples happy escapades driving a Microsoft Minor so send them in otherwise it looks like I’ll probably have to go a buy a new super 1275 model 8 Minor and get used to travelling on the big broad and wide 64 lane intergalactic motorways. It’s all about progress you see.

OWmoo

[bmcecosse]

Excellent!

[chickenjohn]

The solution is buy an Apple Minor, M$ always were rubbish!

[beero]

Very, very funny but I have a feeling you don't own a real Morris Minor because if you did you wouldn't have enough spare time to have written this

[bpr81a]

[MarkyB]

For anyone who is feeling worried about the lack of support Microsoft are now offering and all the scary messages they are using to encourage you to buy another computer there is an alternative you can try;
http://lubuntu.net/

It will be faster and more secure than XP and costs nothing except some time and effort to get used to another operating system.
About the same as getting to grips with Windows 8.1 probably

You don't have to install it right away, instead you can make a CD, boot the PC from it and have a test drive.

[Offshore]

Simply brilliant. Well done. Made me smile on a dull day at work with my Martha laid up with electrical gremlins.