It's a sign of old age ...
A while back I read a brilliant thread about mole grips being used to create blood blisters, large screwdrivers used as jemmies etc. (All very tongue in cheek)
But I can't find it anywhere??
If anyone could post the link here I would be eternally grateful ...
Tools and their true uses...
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whitefourdoor
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Tools and their true uses...
[img]http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h89/whitefourdoor/c354fd6e.jpg[/img]
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alex_holden
- Minor Legend
- Posts: 3798
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It seems that posts in the "Off Topic" forum get deleted after six months and that one has gone.
I found a copy in the Google cache:
JimK - Aug 29, 2006 - 03:32 PM
Post subject: Tools and their uses.
Moderators: The following post has been checked for all known and possible/potential swearwords
PILLAR DRILL:
A tall upright machine useful for snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part that was drying.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off parts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "S***!."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
MOLE GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to further round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for setting fire to various flammable objects in your workshop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
HYDRAULIC JACK:
Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG PINE 4 by 2:
Used for levering a car upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
ENGINE CRANE:
A tool for testing the tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A large jemmy that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
TIN SNIPS:
See hacksaw.
INSPECTION LAMP:
The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR:
A machine that takes energy produced in a gas-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were over-tightened 50 years ago by someone at Cowley, and neatly rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
STANLEY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard boxes delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund cheques and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use
F***IT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "F*** IT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.
EXPLETIVE:
A balm, also referred to as mechanic's lube, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.
--------------------------
paulk - Aug 29, 2006 - 03:50 PM
Post subject:
May I add
Adjustable Spanner
A device that through the means of a knurled thumb wheel may be adjusted to the exact bolt size you require and then round the corners off all nuts or bolts it is used on slaming your knuckles into the sharpest nearby point on the cars bodywork.
--------------------------
alex_holden - Aug 29, 2006 - 04:07 PM
Post subject:
MIG WELDER:
A machine that uses an electric arc to burn rough holes in bodywork and spatter your skin with tiny blobs of molten metal while setting fire to the carpet.
WIRE BRUSH:
Used to remove tiny flakes of rust from the underside of the car and fire them into your eyes.
VERNIER CALLIPERS:
Funny looking adjustable spanner.
ANGLE GRINDER:
Used to shower the operator with a stream of hot sparks and set fire to his clothing, then slip off the thing you wanted to grind and instead grind through the nearest delicate object, be that paintwork, wiring, or hand.
--------------------------
paulk - Aug 29, 2006 - 04:36 PM
Post subject:
Paint Brush
Device for applying Underseal or varnish to your clothes, skin and anything other than the actual car you are attemting to paint.
Wire Stripper
Device for either cutting wire entirely in half or just marking the outside of the insulation with the inevitable whacking hand into whatever is near by.
--------------------------
Kevin - Aug 29, 2006 - 04:51 PM
Post subject:
An update of the Haynes guide to tool descriptions I see
--------------------------
bigginger - Aug 29, 2006 - 05:02 PM
Post subject:
Joddler - a useful tool for making a step in a piece of metal, a few millimetres from where it would have been a useful aid to welding.
Slapper - a handy panel beating implement that you will use once, then put in a cupboard with the toasted sandwhich maker to be looked at once every 5 years...
Axle stand - Very useful for safely holding a car at every possible height between 'too low to be worked under' and 'still not quite high enough to allow you to use any tool except that dinky little spanner you keep in the glove box because it might be useful one day'. Ideal for marking/damaging chassis legs, and falling over.
--------------------------
paulk - Aug 30, 2006 - 06:42 PM
Post subject:
Safety Glasses
A very important component within any tool box. You will always need to put these on immediatly after getting something in your eye. Also handy for collecting very hot grinder sparks against the bridge of your nose or behind your ears.
--------------------------
stevey - Aug 31, 2006 - 05:34 PM
Post subject:
like it!!!
A starting handle
good for stopping arguements and attacking nosy on lookers.
I found a copy in the Google cache:
JimK - Aug 29, 2006 - 03:32 PM
Post subject: Tools and their uses.
Moderators: The following post has been checked for all known and possible/potential swearwords
PILLAR DRILL:
A tall upright machine useful for snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part that was drying.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off parts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "S***!."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
MOLE GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to further round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for setting fire to various flammable objects in your workshop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
HYDRAULIC JACK:
Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG PINE 4 by 2:
Used for levering a car upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
ENGINE CRANE:
A tool for testing the tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A large jemmy that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
TIN SNIPS:
See hacksaw.
INSPECTION LAMP:
The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR:
A machine that takes energy produced in a gas-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were over-tightened 50 years ago by someone at Cowley, and neatly rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
STANLEY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard boxes delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund cheques and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use
F***IT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "F*** IT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.
EXPLETIVE:
A balm, also referred to as mechanic's lube, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.
--------------------------
paulk - Aug 29, 2006 - 03:50 PM
Post subject:
May I add
Adjustable Spanner
A device that through the means of a knurled thumb wheel may be adjusted to the exact bolt size you require and then round the corners off all nuts or bolts it is used on slaming your knuckles into the sharpest nearby point on the cars bodywork.
--------------------------
alex_holden - Aug 29, 2006 - 04:07 PM
Post subject:
MIG WELDER:
A machine that uses an electric arc to burn rough holes in bodywork and spatter your skin with tiny blobs of molten metal while setting fire to the carpet.
WIRE BRUSH:
Used to remove tiny flakes of rust from the underside of the car and fire them into your eyes.
VERNIER CALLIPERS:
Funny looking adjustable spanner.
ANGLE GRINDER:
Used to shower the operator with a stream of hot sparks and set fire to his clothing, then slip off the thing you wanted to grind and instead grind through the nearest delicate object, be that paintwork, wiring, or hand.
--------------------------
paulk - Aug 29, 2006 - 04:36 PM
Post subject:
Paint Brush
Device for applying Underseal or varnish to your clothes, skin and anything other than the actual car you are attemting to paint.
Wire Stripper
Device for either cutting wire entirely in half or just marking the outside of the insulation with the inevitable whacking hand into whatever is near by.
--------------------------
Kevin - Aug 29, 2006 - 04:51 PM
Post subject:
An update of the Haynes guide to tool descriptions I see
--------------------------
bigginger - Aug 29, 2006 - 05:02 PM
Post subject:
Joddler - a useful tool for making a step in a piece of metal, a few millimetres from where it would have been a useful aid to welding.
Slapper - a handy panel beating implement that you will use once, then put in a cupboard with the toasted sandwhich maker to be looked at once every 5 years...
Axle stand - Very useful for safely holding a car at every possible height between 'too low to be worked under' and 'still not quite high enough to allow you to use any tool except that dinky little spanner you keep in the glove box because it might be useful one day'. Ideal for marking/damaging chassis legs, and falling over.
--------------------------
paulk - Aug 30, 2006 - 06:42 PM
Post subject:
Safety Glasses
A very important component within any tool box. You will always need to put these on immediatly after getting something in your eye. Also handy for collecting very hot grinder sparks against the bridge of your nose or behind your ears.
--------------------------
stevey - Aug 31, 2006 - 05:34 PM
Post subject:
like it!!!
A starting handle
good for stopping arguements and attacking nosy on lookers.
Alex Holden - http://www.alexholden.net/
If it doesn't work, you're not hitting it with a big enough hammer.
-
whitefourdoor
- Newbie
- Posts: 8
- Joined: Sun Apr 02, 2006 10:47 pm
- MMOC Member: No