The awful joke thread

Instead of clogging up posts with off topic discussions, have them here. Keep it clean folks!
Myrtles Man
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Re: The awful joke thread

Postby Myrtles Man » Tue May 25, 2021 11:34 am

When I got home from work a couple of days ago there was a note stuck on the fridge that said 'It's not working - I can't stand it anymore, I'm going to live with my sister'. I must admit that I was surprised and very upset; I opened the fridge door, the light came on and the beer was nice and cold. Can't understand what she was on about.

Boomlander
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Re: The awful joke thread

Postby Boomlander » Wed May 26, 2021 10:50 pm

Grandad was in poor health so we tried an old family remedy and covered him in goose fat.
He went downhill very quickly after that...………..I'll get me coat! :D


Mick Lynch
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Re: The awful joke thread

Postby Mick Lynch » Sat May 29, 2021 2:29 pm

Man goes to the doctor to have some tests done. Few days later the doctor calls him on the phone.

“Well I’ve got some good news and some bad news”, says the doc.

“Okay, I’ll have the good news”, says the man.

The doctor says “you have a rare disease and you have 48 hours to live!”

Man says “You what !!! If that’s the good news what’s the bad news!?”

Doctor says “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday”...

Clayton James
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Re: The awful joke thread

Postby Clayton James » Mon May 31, 2021 1:09 am

Adding what I found on the internet. 8)


A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”

The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”

“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.

The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said.

“I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach."

Chappers
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Re: The awful joke thread

Postby Chappers » Tue Jun 08, 2021 8:15 pm

An Irishman went to the Doctors to find out the results of a test.
The Doctor says, " I'm afraid Paddy that I can only give you two weeks to live"....
Paddy thought for a while and then replied, "Well Doc, in that case can I have the first week in July and the second week in August".

Chappers
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Re: The awful joke thread

Postby Chappers » Tue Jun 08, 2021 8:16 pm

She was only a Fishmongers daughter, but she had a crab on her plaice poor sole.

Chappers
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Re: The awful joke thread

Postby Chappers » Tue Jun 08, 2021 8:17 pm

She was only a road mender's daughter, but she never had her asphalt.

Classiccars
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Re: The awful joke thread

Postby Classiccars » Tue Jun 08, 2021 10:02 pm

Bad spellers of the world untie

Myrtles Man
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Re: The awful joke thread

Postby Myrtles Man » Tue Jun 08, 2021 11:21 pm

Dyslexics lure, KO?

simmitc
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Re: The awful joke thread

Postby simmitc » Wed Jun 09, 2021 11:06 am

She was only the architect's daughter, but she let the borough surveyor.

She was only the lamplighter's daughter, but she went out every night.

Classiccars
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Re: The awful joke thread

Postby Classiccars » Wed Jun 09, 2021 7:28 pm

She was only an electricians daughter but she knew watt was watt

Pete Bags
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Re: The awful joke thread

Postby Pete Bags » Thu Jun 10, 2021 10:04 am

My car broke down today, a car pulled up in front of me, a man got out and asked if he could help. I said are you a mechanic, he said no I am a podiatrist, I said what good are you, he said I can give you a toe...

Pete Bags
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Re: The awful joke thread

Postby Pete Bags » Tue Jun 15, 2021 7:39 pm

Archaeologists digging at Stonehenge have discovered a neolithic manuscript which it is believed will change everything we know an understand about prehistoric writings.
Experts at Cambridge analysed the 4000 year old document with a vast array of scientific instruments and it says
"the DFS sale ends this solstice!"

Just a thought, my generation had Wonder Woman - This younger generation has to wonder if it is a woman.

My mate Dave went to our local library yesterday.
“Hello I wonder if you can help me” said Dave to the librarian “I’d like to borrow a book about the discovery of Electromagnetic induction.”
“Faraday?” replied the librarian
“No” said Dave “I'm a slow reader, two weeks would be better.”

I ran a half-marathon.
Sounds much better than saying I quit halfway through a marathon...

I’ve just successfully bred a cross between a crocodile and a homing pigeon.
I bet that’ll come back to bite me...

When I was young the doctor told me I had a lazy eye, by the time I was 20 it spread to the rest of my body

Mick Lynch
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Re: The awful joke thread

Postby Mick Lynch » Wed Jun 16, 2021 10:40 pm

Remember Beaker off the Muppet Show? So self obsessed...
All, “me, me, me”


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