Dealing with loss

[olderisbetter]

Sadly early Monday my mom passed away aged 85, She has always been my biggest fan no matter how crazy my ideas have been, She loved the cars and going to a few shows and made me promise to work less and play more, Moms never stop being moms.

[irmscher]

Please accept my deepest sympathy at this sad time.

[olderisbetter]

Thank you irmscher, It is a sad time but we used humour and being close at home which made her very safe and happy, She was content and comfortable it has made dealing with the loss alot easier for us.

[palacebear]

My condolences and sympathy also.
Tom.

[Plin]

I feel for you in your loss. It doesn't matter how old our loved ones are it is always hard to have to say cheerio. I am sure your Mum appreciated that you took the time to take her out in your lovely cars and what Mum doesn't want to be their child's biggest fan and supporter! I am sure your 'crazy' ideas were often quite a tonic for your Mum (I certainly have some interesting conversations with my own children about some of their ideas!!)

May the treasured memories of your dear Mum continue to help you.

[SteveClem]

It doesn't get any easier,and every time is different,
We've lost 3 parents over the last twenty odd years, and the last (my mum) is now struggling with rapidly developing dementia. It's horrible,however it happens.
All that helps, I think, is to remember the happy times and consider that real immortality is vested with your descendants.

[olderisbetter]

Thanks all for the kind words, I have good memories and did my best for her so appart from the feeling of loss i can sleep soundly.

[biomed32uk]

Never an easy time, my Mum very suddenly left us 4 years ago in the course of a day, which had a big impact on me, and my whole outlook on life, realiigning what is important and not to me.

Mums passing enabled me to do one thing I had always wanted to do since my early 20s, and that was to become a classic car owner, and that was a Minor. So my Minor is named Maisie after Mum, as that seemed right. Everytime I take her out I think of Mum, she would have approved, would have loved her namesake and a run out in her.

My wife and I have lost all of our parents now, and it gets no easier, we miss them like mad all the time, sometimes for the wrong reasons but no matter what no one can take the memories away from you. We regularly look back at their funny ways or sayings, so they still make us smile.

Time does make it easier, and everyone is different in ways of working through the tough and sometimes dark moments.

My deepest condolences to you and your familly at this time.

[Blaketon]

Sorry I missed this post. It's a worry that rarely leaves me these days. My mother is 80 and my father 79 and whilst it's possible that both could have over twenty years left, you are never sure.

Whether my mother senses what is never far from my mind, I don't know but she was unfortunate to lose her mother over forty years ago. She tells me that my grandmother nearly died after my mother was born and my mother feels herself extremely fortunate that this didn't happen. On that basis, at 52, I should (And do) feel that I am blessed, though I often wish I was 22, 32 or at least something that would make my parents younger. I well remember when my mother reached 39 (It was the year my grandmother died). It was a wonderful Summer that year (Gave way to a dreadful Autumn and I can't remember what the weather was like) but I remember thinking that my mother was getting old. One of my childhood neighbours told my mother that this feeling of foreboding is how we prepare for loss, which should make me supremely prepared but I take little comfort from that. At least if I can't cope, when the time comes (Assuming I have no pets), at least I have nobody to leave behind (Though I feel I owe to my parents to make an effort).

Suffice to say, I pity anyone who is bereaved and whenever I see a funeral, I feel deep sympathy for those involved. With Christmas coming, I expect this will be a hard time for olderisbetter and I wish you the very best.

[olderisbetter]

Thanks very much for your words Blaketon, I have not been the same since mom passed but i am starting to get into a new routine and accepting it as part of life, It has without a doubt been one of the most difficult times of my life but i had a very good relationship with my parents, Mom was always my biggest fan and dad was like a big brother with a wallet, I miss them both daily but i know they were the reason i am what i am today, Sadly tomorrow would have been moms birthday but i am going to go shopping and for something to eat at the places i used to take her, She always told me to celebrate life and not to mourn a passing.

[Blaketon]

My maternal grandmother was born 109 years ago today (I put fresh flowers on on Wednesday). All the best for tomorrow; it'd be a nice idea that your mother will be there with you.

[irmscher]

Older why not plant a shrub or small tree in the garden its nice to see it grow and know why its there.

[olderisbetter]

Thanka all, I stayed home and had a quiet day in with a few friends and family popping in for chats and tea, We talked about all the good things mom did and laughed about the good times, It was nice to feel she is still with us all in thought, @irmscher, I have built a planter box to put some miniture roses in ready for next year, It will be nice to see them blooming.

[Dean]

Apologies, I've just caught up with this thread. I hope everything is getting easier for you, moms are your best and most trusted friend at the end of the day. My mom still has a small hand towel that her mom (my nan) used to keep in the bathroom, I guess we all have ways we like to remember them.

[SteveClem]

Having to take my Mum into care tomorrow. Alzheimer's,not safe at home anymore, desperately depressed.
You can suffer loss when the loved one is still alive. Well their body is alive, but their essence is mostly gone

[olderisbetter]

@SteveClem, Very sorry to hear of your situation, Conditions that rob you of your personality are very hard, The only thing you can do sometimes is make loved ones safe even though you feel its not right, Just try and keep her happy safe and relive the good times with her, Sadly my friends dad had this condition but he was sometimes quite good and we used to talk about events with him even though he was often unsure who we were, Take care, Rob.

[Blaketon]

Having to take my Mum into care tomorrow. Alzheimer's,not safe at home anymore, desperately depressed.
You can suffer loss when the loved one is still alive. Well their body is alive, but their essence is mostly gone

I am so sorry to hear this and whilst there is no good time for this, just before Christmas must surely be just about the worst time (Poor Damon Hill has just lost his mother; money and success can't shield you from it). I keep hoping that there will one day be a cure for this dreadful condition and each time a development is found, it brings hope. Billy Connolly spoke about his father suffering with Alzheimer's. Whilst it was a serious subject, he managed to express it in a humorous but not flippant way. He made the point that it's often worse for those around the patient. He said that his father didn't realise that anything was wrong and in his own world, seemed happy enough. If so, perhaps we can take some small comfort from that.

[SteveClem]

Thank you for the kind words. The day went as well as it could.
We now know that she is safe,cared for and stimulated. Much better than sitting in a chair and 'waiting for God '. And our anxiety and stress levels are improving! Still working on the guilt thing though.

[firehor5e]

My thoughts are with you at this awful time,i hope that sharing your thoughts on here has brought you some comfort.There are some charities,such as" cruse" that can give counselling,either face to face or via phone or email,they can help with practical things too,such as dealing with funeral,wills etc..Grief is a personal thing,with many many manifestations,anger,despair,depression and many more,with no set rules or pattern. I am personally in a deep depression after loosing my son in a road collision 6 months ago,mum seriously ill with cancer, 3 days ago a friend died after getting the flu..i feel your pain.

[Blaketon]

There's never a good time for bereavement but Christmas has to be the worst time for it. My mother spoke to a schoolfriend of her's today and one of their neighbours died in a car crash on Boxing Day, aged nineteen, along with his girlfiriend. It wasn't a case of what many might assume; the poor lad had an undiscovered heart complaint and died at the wheel.

My mother's aunt was 95 on Christmas Eve but the day was tainted by her daughter dying on 21st, aged 65, after a two month battle with cancer (It was skin cancer but it got inside her; I think it can fester and by the time you know about it, it has too much of a hold). My mother's aunt has a degree of Altzheimer's and hasn't been told about the death of her daughter. I fear that a shock like that could prove fatal. So far as I know, nobody in the family has made it to 100 (Her father was 95 & 7 months) and with this happening now, it's not the kind of twilight years I'd have wished for her.

Aside from that, it would have been a pleasant enough Christmas; I got the set of Minor MM & S2 road tests I had hope for and enjoyed being at my parents' place. The cat, who has adopted us, has had a ball, glued to the coal fire and chilling out to classical music (No joke) and I hope this photo of him will bring a little cheer to this very sad subject.