Morris Minor Owners Club

I achieved my personal best in the 100 metres today....
73 metres.

I see that Arthur Hodgkinson won the 100 meters event at the recently-held British Gas Sports Day; he read them in two minutes thirty seven seconds, a new record.

Why do birds fly south for winter.Too far to walk.Can you remember a worse joke please to let me off the hook.

What des DNA stand for?
National Dyslexia Association

Read a book on ship building over the weekend.Riveting

What's the most popular Christmas wine?
"I don't like sprouts"

What's green and smells of bananas?
monkey sick

What's brown and sticky?
A stick

What's yellow and bad for your teeth?
A brick

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung.

What's brown under a piano stool?
Beethoven's last movement.

What sort of dinosaur had only one eye?
A doyouthinkhesaurus.

What’s the different between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

What do you call a magic dog?
A labracadabrador.

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked at me surprised.

What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?
A chicken sees a salad.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage.
I lost my case.

Had to travel 30 miles to nans house last week.She wanted me to pick up a letter in the hallway.She said it's been there all week and I didn't know what to do.It says do not bend.

Has anyone noticed how top racing drivers are named after Scottish cities?

Lewis Hamilton.

Stirling Moss.

Ayr Town Centre.

Dad Would you like anything to eat. Son what are my choices . Dad Yes or No.

Patient Can I administer my own anesthetic. Doctor go on knock yourself out

Why did the dyslexic virus expert get the sack?

He didn't know his SARS from his Ebola

Thats my good deed for Christmas done at Tesco tonight.

I was behind an old lady at check-out. Her bill came to £28 but she only had £20 and claimed she must have lost £10 in the shop.

I felt very sorry for her. She didn’t want help but I insisted and in no time at all, we had most of her shopping back on the shelves.

What’s 100 feet in the air that you can jump over?

A dead centipede...

You know those times when you wish you had thought of something witty to say a moment ago but missed the moment? The opposite happened to me the other day. The perfect opportunity and timing.

I was recollecting a Tommy Cooper joke ( I think it was him) and a few hours later a friend of my wife’s popped around and provided the perfect opportunity to say the punchline to a real life scenario. Enough background and into the joke

“Oh I’ve just come from the hospital as my mum broke her arm in two places”

With a completely straight face,
“you should tell her to stay away from those places”

Callous but the look of confusion was priceless.

My wife wanted to go to Las Vegas in the new year to see The Temptations but Covid put has paid to that.

We're going to see The Four Tops in Primark instead.

Why do you not want to get stuck behind Satan in the queue at the post office?

Because the devil takes many forms…